“You Won’t Hurt My Feelings”: Choice, Consent, and Speaking Up During Massage
There is something I tell almost every new client before their first massage with me:
“This is your massage. You are not going to hurt my feelings or mess anything up by asking me to change something.”
I say it because, after sixteen years of massage therapy, I know something that clients don't always realize:
People are remarkably willing to be uncomfortable because they don't want to inconvenience the massage therapist.
They'll tolerate pressure that's too deep. They'll stay in a position that's making their neck hurt. They'll freeze because they suddenly don't want an area worked on but aren't sure whether they're “allowed” to change their mind.
Then sometimes they'll tell me afterward.
And I'm thinking, I wish you had told me 40 minutes ago!
Not because I'm frustrated with them. Quite the opposite. I could have fixed it.
Consent is more than saying “yes” to a massage
One of the things I appreciated about Yomassage's Trauma Informed Bodywork training was its emphasis on choice.
The training discusses how meaningful it can be to have an environment where someone can exercise choice and where saying both yes and no is respected. It also emphasizes that when someone declines something, the practitioner should generally respect that rather than repeatedly trying to convince them otherwise.
That's an important distinction.
Consent isn't something we obtain once at the beginning of an appointment and then consider settled for the next hour.
Someone can consent to massage without consenting to every technique, every body area, every amount of pressure, or every position.
And people can change their minds.
I also don't need to know why.
If you don't want your feet touched, that's enough information. If you want to leave your socks on, fine. If you'd rather not have your scalp massaged, okay. If you'd prefer to stay face-up today, we'll figure out how to work with that.
A client shouldn't need a sufficiently serious explanation before I respect a preference about their own body.
Good communication is part of good massage
I also try to ask questions that give me useful information rather than putting all the work on the client.
There is a difference between “How's that?” and “Would you like more pressure, less pressure, or is this comfortable?”
This matters because some people aren't naturally comfortable speaking up.
There's also an inherent imbalance in the situation. I'm the professional. The client may be partially undressed, lying on a table with their eyes closed while I am standing above them. I know what's coming next. They may not.
I don't think that means massage is inherently frightening. It means I should be aware of the position I'm asking another human being to put themselves in.
And please tell me about the pressure
This deserves its own discussion because massage culture has spent far too much time celebrating the idea that therapeutic massage has to hurt.
“No pain, no gain” does not apply in my massage room.
There can be intensity. There can be that satisfying yes, THAT is the spot feeling.
But I don't believe that causing as much pain as someone can tolerate means I'm accomplishing more.
In my experience, I often get better results when I can work slowly and deliberately without someone's body fighting me the entire time.
If you're holding your breath, clenching your jaw, lifting yourself off the table, or mentally counting the seconds until I move somewhere else, please tell me.
I can adjust.
There is no trophy for surviving your massage.
And massage therapists: trying to win a wrestling match against someone's muscles isn't particularly kind to our bodies, either. Good technique and body mechanics are how we get to keep doing this work for years.
You are allowed to have preferences
This is ultimately what I want clients to understand.
You are allowed to participate in your own massage.
Tell me what you need. Change your mind. Ask questions. Say no. Ask for another blanket. Tell me the pressure isn't right.
You aren't disrupting the massage. You're helping me give you a better one.
And you will not hurt my feelings.
I promise.
My formal Trauma-Informed Bodywork training was completed through Yomassage®. Their training helped give me language and a deeper framework for many practices I had already developed through years of working with massage clients.